So I think I'm going to try something new. Oh, yeah- and Dr. Seuss is a hack.
I was listening to an interview with Demetri Martin on Fresh Air the other day, and he was telling Terry Gross how he actually was almost finished with law school when he dropped out to start a career in comedy. I would have loved to sit in on that little conversation with his folks.
"Hey, Mom, Dad, I just wanted to say thanks for the three years of college tuition, but I think I'm going to follow my heart and go tell some jokes. Should be sweet."
He says that he was bored with law school and when he thought about what he really liked to do, it was making his friends laugh. Then he tried to figure out a way to make money from it. Which made me start thinking of all the stuff I really liked to do, so I came up with this list:
- I like sleeping in and hitting snooze a lot. I once hit the snooze button for three hours, every seven minutes.
- I like not having anything to do. I don't even like doing fun stuff when I have to do it. I was on a bowling league once and it was horrible. Bowling is fun until you have to bowl whether you want to or not. Schedules suck ass. Maybe Sunday mornings was a bad choice.
- I like jellybeans.
- I like trying to be funny. I used to have a tendency to blurt out what I'm thinking about, but wording it in a way that made it seem like I'd been pondering this wisdom for days. My Father comes from a farmer kind of background, and likes to spend his free time doing outdoorsy stuff like planting things, manipulating the soil so it grows things, and harvesting things. Once, shortly after I had moved out, I was over there giving him a hand planting potatoes or some such tomfoolery and I blurted out "You know what I've been thinking would make more sense? They should make potato plants all grow the same number of potatos, so you'd know how many you need to plant." Three things about this:
1) This in no way makes more sense. This would not make sense in any circumstance at any place on the planet.
2) I had not actually been thinking about this at all. In fact, I had not even finished thinking about it once before I presented it as a well thought out bit of wisdom that should be obvious to anyone who has ever eaten a potato.
3) My Father stopped what he was doing, looked at me for a minute, then said "Oh yeah?" and went back to what he was doing. I think what he actually was saying was "You know the only reason you're here is because the Pope says I can't wear a rubber, right?"
The only good thing about having had no concept of an inside voice growing up, was that because stupidity tumbled out of my mouth from time to time with no warning, people tended to think that I was trying to be funny and I'd get a laugh. I have cultivated this character flaw over the years, and can now say stupid things at will.
So I think I might try to write a book. I'm not really good at telling stories, but maybe if I string enough stupidity together and add a cover, people would like it. How hard can it be? There's like, tons of books; they're freaking everywhere. Plus, I know a lot of words.
Hell, If Dr. Seuss can do it, I sure as hell can. Red fish Blue fish? What the fuck is that nonsense? I can do better than that.