Dear Shana, Stop searching out frozen pieces of dog poop to lay on in the yard. They will never hatch. What are you, some sort of sick scat chicken?

So I probably have E coli now. Katie, my 18 year old lab partner, was working with me to innoculate some test tubes full of brown stuff with test tubes full of E coli, and instead of taking her time and not splashing live E coli virus all over the place, Katie decided that she would be the whirling dervish of disease and literally did splash E coli all over the place. On the positive side, getting doused in E coli puts the rest of the goings on in a person's life in perspective, like:

-getting laid off from work is not as bad as being bathed in E coli.

-receiving new comment emails everyday confirming that yes, your last post did actually suck like you thought it sucked is more preferable than singing in the E coli rain.

-waking up to Shana's rot-breath after she crawled her way up onto my pillow is about even with being assaulted by liquid E coli.

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So Pogo and Shana just spent a full minute turning in circles and slamming into each other when I was trying to switch the chain to the next one in line to go outside and crap in public, and I finally just stood back and watched until they gave up. Henceforth, they shall be named Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Idiot.

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I just realized that when people walk by and Shana is standing outside wearing the Michigan jersey that I trussed her up in to cover her skin thing while it heals, they think I am the kind of guy living alone that puts clothes on his dogs. I just had a vision of me as a still single sixty-five-year-old who takes his mini-poodle Precious out for walks in the park after putting a hand-knitted turtle neck sweater on her.

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Me: "Hey Brain."

Brain: "Hey T."

Me: "What's up, Steve?"

Steve: "Hey Tim, how was your weekend?"

Me: "Same ole, same ole. Oh yeah, Brian, you owe me fifty bucks. That midget prostitute you recommended Saturday night didn't know any tricks at all. Anyway, I gotta get to work. Catch you later Steve."

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Me: "Hey."

Brian: "Hey. How was your weekend?"

Me: "Eh, you know"

Brian: "I do know."

Me: "How was yours?"

Brian: "Eh. (shrugs)"

Me: "I hear that."

Brian: "Yeah."

Me: "Yep."

Brian: "So...."

Me: "Oh yeah, I think I have E coli."

Brian: "No kidding?"

Me: "Yeah."

Brian: "Bad times."

Me: "This is true."

Brian: "......"

Me: "......"

Brian: "E coli?"

Me: "Riddled with it, dude."