Thursday, 2 August 2012

Dear Shana, Stop searching out frozen pieces of dog poop to lay on in the yard. They will never hatch. What are you, some sort of sick scat chicken?

So I probably have E coli now. Katie, my 18 year old lab partner, was working with me to innoculate some test tubes full of brown stuff with test tubes full of E coli, and instead of taking her time and not splashing live E coli virus all over the place, Katie decided that she would be the whirling dervish of disease and literally did splash E coli all over the place. On the positive side, getting doused in E coli puts the rest of the goings on in a person's life in perspective, like:

-getting laid off from work is not as bad as being bathed in E coli.

-receiving new comment emails everyday confirming that yes, your last post did actually suck like you thought it sucked is more preferable than singing in the E coli rain.

-waking up to Shana's rot-breath after she crawled her way up onto my pillow is about even with being assaulted by liquid E coli.

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So Pogo and Shana just spent a full minute turning in circles and slamming into each other when I was trying to switch the chain to the next one in line to go outside and crap in public, and I finally just stood back and watched until they gave up. Henceforth, they shall be named Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Idiot.

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I just realized that when people walk by and Shana is standing outside wearing the Michigan jersey that I trussed her up in to cover her skin thing while it heals, they think I am the kind of guy living alone that puts clothes on his dogs. I just had a vision of me as a still single sixty-five-year-old who takes his mini-poodle Precious out for walks in the park after putting a hand-knitted turtle neck sweater on her.

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Me: "Hey Brain."

Brain: "Hey T."

Me: "What's up, Steve?"

Steve: "Hey Tim, how was your weekend?"

Me: "Same ole, same ole. Oh yeah, Brian, you owe me fifty bucks. That midget prostitute you recommended Saturday night didn't know any tricks at all. Anyway, I gotta get to work. Catch you later Steve."

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Me: "Hey."

Brian: "Hey. How was your weekend?"

Me: "Eh, you know"

Brian: "I do know."

Me: "How was yours?"

Brian: "Eh. (shrugs)"

Me: "I hear that."

Brian: "Yeah."

Me: "Yep."

Brian: "So...."

Me: "Oh yeah, I think I have E coli."

Brian: "No kidding?"

Me: "Yeah."

Brian: "Bad times."

Me: "This is true."

Brian: "......"

Me: "......"

Brian: "E coli?"

Me: "Riddled with it, dude."

1 comment:

  1. Gosh, this is gold! You've got a gift for humor.

    I came here from Hyperbole and a Half.

    ReplyDelete